My Pencil Will Pierce Through The Heavens!

What do you do when a person you love feels like their life is falling apart. And when they explain to you why you completely understand. Yet, you can do nothing to help them.

The last 2 days my mom has been talking to me about all the bad things that have been happening around her. A bunch of events, all stacked together. All I can do is listen. i can't even give her a hug. She must feel so alone. But even on the phone there is nothing i can say to make things better. I feel so useless.

I just want to promise her things will get better, but i feel like every time I check in with her things have gotten worse.

You know....its been a strange week. A furlough week. I only had one class. My feeling on this are divided. the kid in me thinks, "yeah, a week vacation. Sweeeet!!!" but the studnet in me think, "what a waste of my time and money!"

so, i didn't accomplish all that much either. Worked on my assignments, but not everything. I skipped working on my GE classes. Probably should have done some painting, some drawing, instead I kinda just played on the net or worked on Maya...Shigh. Now that the week in over i realize how misspent it was.

You know...it didn't help that I found the Gamerz Heaven 2 directors cuts I was missing. God. Maki Muraki really messes with my mind. Seriously. It happens eveytime i read her DJ. *shigh*

Meeeehhhh i think my general insomina has just turned into me become a night owl...it was bound to happen i guess. A part of me still hate it. But when it this late i just want to brows the net for silly things.

I rediscovered scanliation's for all the manga i don't have money to buy anymore. *shigh* I try my best to support the industry when i can...but the internet makes stealing so easy! In particular i wanted to read Soul Eater since the show had such a disappointing last half. I can see why the manga really seems to be going in a different, and more interesting direction. I just wish the art style was drawn better!

Also trying to catch up to Naruto on hulu because several people I trust say it gets very good...but mybe i haven't gotten there yet.

What a way to start my day. waking up at the crack of noon, skipping my Saturday class to sleep, with no clean cloths to wear. hopefully i can mange to be productive today since half of the day has already escaped me.

I feel kinda of sick. I have a test tomorrow. all i want to do is animate.

In General life has been pretty good.
I love my teachers, i have a good schedule, and my roommates are supper quite!

Somehow i can't being myself to work on HW right now. Need a breather.

I sincerely hope my new roommates aren't pyhco bitches. The last few had some serious attitude problems. Would it be so much to ask to have ONE person who also likes anime, or even is an artist? I always get these hyper physical education majors. in the past i have only has 2 roommates that I liked. Dora, who ended up on questionable terms with and Joceya who moved out after the second year. Kat is awesome too.

School is up again. Man summer went fast, but it felt full. In reality this will be my last. It might even be the last time I stay at home for an extended amount of time as well. We shall see. I have to rock hard this year. As always i get so many voice in my head at San Jose I don't know what to do with myself. Staying self confident is a constant battle. I really hope classes go well for me, I really hope I can land a good internship. Its all so scary sometimes.

I think my mom and I are doing better, after my visit to my grandmas. Thankfully, the visit went rather well. I did feel awkward the whole time but I just tried to stay upbeat and sympathetic.

Before we arrived my mom had more to say to me in the car. Things about how she doesn't have room to 'take care of me' anymore. I understand she has a lot of her plate with grandpa, gradndma, Debbie and art. But truthfully, she doesn't really take care of me, I had to remind her of that. Yes, she dose carries some of my finical burden. But, she didn't have to buy me a laptop or my class at Fresno. She wanted to pay for those things. I don't have a source of income. Sometime I ask her for help. but Try to only ask for important things like food, or books. Ture, i didn't have a job this summer but it also didn't cost me anything to be at Sheldons. He paid for all of my experiences. anyway, her point seemed to be she is cutting me off after I graduate, which I always assumed. Anyway, she seemed to lighten up after that so i am hoping she just needed to get it off her chest. It was never my intention to always relay on her.

My house is not a happy place right now.
It is a storm of shit.
Every phone call is just more bad news.
I just got in trouble for turning a blind eye to the whole situation.
Yet, I saw this coming.

You see my grandma is very sick, and she not going to get better. But she isn't exactly dieing either. It one of those cases where she could be like this for mounths.

Now, i would like to mention, i know i am not the first person who has to deal with this situation. Sonja is the first person to come to mind, I remember how awful her experience was with her grandma. I remember so clearly her pain as a young girl.

Now my mother and sister is faced with taking care of their mother at such a difficult time. I am very close with my mom since my father died when I was just 7 years old. It has made us into freinds, into partners, we look out for each other. At lest we used too. Since my grandfather moved into our house 3 years ago our relationship has become strained. While i am off at school i am not around to share the burden. Instead, I have become used too the role of cheering her up and distracting her. Truth is, I resent my grandfather for putting this burden on her, because i don't want to share it. I try and stay far away from it. I am selfish.
At first my mother didn't seem to care that i didn't take responsibility, now, i am getting in trouble for it. She says i have become self aborbed. She is right, i have done everything in my power to stay away from taking on those burdens. I just want to run away from it all. Now that my grandmother is dieing, and my mother is no longer working, the responsibilitys have multiplied. I am now getting blamed for not taking repsonablity for things i was never expected too before.

I know this is part of growing up. I am trying to be understanding. I am not angry at her because I understand where she is coming from. But....it all seems to litte sudden. And for that matter I am going back to school on Friday. I have really mixed feelings about it. I feel like removing myself from the situation only makes myself more deathached and feel ever worse.

She gets angry at me for being out of touch, for not cleaning my room, my bathroom, or for not knowing things about my grandfathers medications. But, until now she never wanted me to be involved. I never had to be involved. Before this I hadn't seen my grandmother for almost 2 years. I don't care about being by her side, only at my mothers side. She is all i really care about. Its true.


They said I think I am at the center of the universe. Well, fuck, I am almost always alone. So its only natural I feel that way. They said I feel like i am running way from all this. I think, that if Nanas sickness had started before i left for school, i would NOT have the same expectations on me. I just want my mother to be happy, but its hard to adjust to all her new expectations of me. And now, i am don't know how to act around her. If i should be somber or try to be the clown like i used to be. Its hard to understand my place. When i asked her what i was doing in particular that was being selfish she really couldn't come up with any examples. "it is just a feeling", she said. That makes it even worse, because i don't know what i am doing wrong (besides the obvious lack of doing chores)

Apparently Debbie, her sister, who also means the world to me, said she has felt the same way. well, you know what! Since she has ran off with Bob, I never see her anymore. And Art has gone all crazy too. I am selfish because they ran away from me.

And I don't even care, because I am leaving soon. I am a coward. I am selfish. i am lazy. I want this all to be over but i fear my relationships will be damaged permanently from my behavior, and nothing can fix it.

The full report is finished!

http://felttippen.net/cons/Fanime/2009.php

I just feel frustrated right now.
Mostly with my roommates, but also at the world.

I had this horrible dream where a big fat black man was eating a messy burrito in my bed. As amusing as this sounds, it was not a funny dream. i was so angry. I felt violated because my private room had been broken into by a stranger who did not give me any respect. I felt upset that my roommates felt it was okay to let stranger into my room.
I was crying at them in my dream.


Whats worse is i woke up and someone had taped a mean note to Kat door.
It basically, after some decoding said, I love hobbit Dick. I am so angry at them. Yet I still don't know who did it and confronting them didn't do any good. They don't like her because she is so different from them. They can't see what a kind and wonderful person she is! I feel so helpless to stop this. I can't even get back at them. I don't even think Kat understood what it meant.


I feel like I have the 3rd week blues...and its maybe 5 weeks in already?


I also I got a virus and my WoW account got hacked. All my character items are gone. What a way to end the day huh? But because the way I already feel, I just feel numb to the whole thing.

I wish I was as an articulate writer as I am an artist. It not like I want to be published or anything. It would be nice to be able to express myself better in words because online that how most people get to know you. I feel that I come across as stupid and lazy.


Dude. I need to draw more. Seriously. All of my free time has been dedicated to cosplay. Thats right, cosplay. After years of talking about it I am finally going to give it a shot. And I am dragging Sonja and Sonny along w/ me. I know when school starts my free time will amount to how much air there is on the moon. So I am getting everything done before I leave. I'd say my costume is 95% done. Sonja just needs a wig, which I found, but we have not purchased. Sonnys, unfortunately has a long way to go.

It has been so much fun! A lot of creative problem solving. The worst part is that I don't know how to sew. I know how to use the sewing machine and make straight lines, but that's about it. So all if the clothing had to be I found at goodwill, and i had to modify.


We doing ONE PIECE cosplay. Because we all love it to death!

Sonja is Nami (water 7) -
This costume I knew would be doable because the parts could be bought somewhere. Strangely that hardest part to find was the white skirt. This is also my fav Nami outfit. Sonja will make a great Nami becuase she actully has the right 'proportions' to pull it off. I, on the other hand struggled to find a character who could match my body type.


I am Tashigi. (Alabaster) She is not my fav character, but she is probably the only one who dose not have a challenging costume and or a huge chest. She also a swordswoman which is totally cool. The sword I modified for her is not 100% accurate mostly due to size, but I am very proud of it.

Sonny is Zorro. He was originally going to be Shanks, but that costume ran into too many road blocks. This will work out better because Zoros costume is easyer, and fits beter whith whom i am playing.


I hope to post picture as soon as i can.

List of achievements in 2008


Reached past lev 60 in World of War Carft.
Made my first animation in Maya.
Attended Fanime and participated in the Artists Alley.
Celebrated my 5th year with Sonny.
Sold my Ford Conture.
Watched Ture Blood.
Watched Sonny play Portal.
Started my first cosplay.
Painted and redecorated my rooms.
Produced videos of Sheldons Art Acadmey.
Learned Flash.
Forgot Flash.
Finished Avatar.
Ran after a bus and missed it.
Saw the Godfather I and II.
Lost and canceled the same credit card 5 time.
Lost my wallet 3 times.
Reconnected with old high school friends.

can't sleep again....but I'm too tired to do work...

Boy, this week sure has a lot piled on top of it. Things where going smoothly and then all of a sudden the work just increased in a mater of Two days. A bit over whelming since I was used to the pace. Once i get through this week I'll be okay. Although I wont have the weekend to recover time. But sonny will be here and i deserve sometime w/ him.

It probably has to do w/ the telecasts starting up, it through off my groove! I want it back.


On the TV:
Dexter 3rd season = awesome
Heros 3rd season = Horrible
True Blood = Sexy sexy

You know how some nights you just can't turn off your brain so you can sleep. I feel like that every night. And I Love sleep. I just know that when i feel like this no matter if i lay my head down nothing will happen.

I had a good opertinuty to vent with some fellow students tonight. I have tried to stay away from this trap in the past but i can't help it anymore. i am constantly feeling frustrated and alone, and it felt good to hear other people say what i have been feeling for a while. It just validated my whole perspective, unfortunately it dose not make my situation any better. I am scared i am going to graduate and have nothing to show for it. then, all my time and effort will be for nothing and i'll have to find a way for more schooling and be more in debt and away from the people i love and miss everyday.

yes, i love what i do. But do i love it enough to actually succeed.

Fuck.

This is why i can't fall asleep at night.

So I survived my first week of school. Hey, its an accomplishment!
This weekend I marked and even greater accomplishment. 5 years tighter with sonny. Its hard to imagine its even been that long. Time really flys.

We spent the weekend together laying around the house, watching movies and playing games. It may not sound like much but time together with him is like a vacation. Even better he booked us a Swedish massage. It was very enjoyable.

Oaaaaaavehhhhh what a week. My head is spinning. So I was kinda freaking out about everything before school started. Which is a normal part of my behavior.
This week was going very smoothly. My roommates seem nice. My art classes seem awesome. And my acting class looks like its going to be a lot of fun. Then I got to my one day a week anthro class. Its called Magic Sincence and Religion. I took a class similar to it at Moorpark and loved it. I can honestly say this class was a living hell.

#1. no AC in the room and it very extremely sweltering
#2 the teacher made no logical scence
#3 I had to read 3 whole books and write 3 different essays on them + one reaserch paper
#4 no multiple choice tests, no right answers
#5 I found out it doesn’t even meet the requirement I need it for

I stuck it out for the whole 3 hours. I was dieing. I haven’t felt like that in a class in ages! Torture, Fear anxiety. My chest felt tight and I wanted to cry. Normally finding another class to add into this late is way too hard. I pulled the Sheldon card. I haven’t done that in a while and he was more then happy to set me up in his class. I could also try this alternative cinema class but now I am so paranoid about being stuck in a class I can’t stand I am afraid to drop in on any more. Yikes.

I started studying with Sheldon Borenstein after I graduated high school. He teaches part time at San Jose Sate, and full time at his own school, Sheldons Art Acadmey in Oak Park, Ca.



His drawing lectures are packed full of information, funny and are easy to understand. Drawing is such a complex thing, but it is EVERYTHING. If you are considering looking for a job in the animation industry, or just want to learn how to draw this is THE GUY to study with. He has trained many of todays professionals. ( Including, David Colman. )

The good news is now anyone can have access to his instruction! I spent my summer editing and compiling theses instructional videos, and let me tell you they are AWSOME. I have started studying off of them myself. They are for sale on our website! Sheldon is a mentor who worked as a professional in animation industry for many years and is now dedicated to passing on his knowledge to students.

Check out our free preview avilble on Youtube and our Website.


Enjoy!